5 Hard truths about toxic parents
They may never be able to provide what you need or want from them.
You are probably sitting out there saying things like “I wish this was different” or “If she could just stop doing… then it would be better.” You have probably played that loop a million times in your head. The most difficult thing for many people to grasp (both factually and emotionally) is that your parents might just not be the parents you saw in the books or movies. The perfect mix of loving, accepting, and respectful. Although society doesn’t show us unhealthy family dynamics often, that is not the reality. It is very possible that your parents were not or are not able to have the picture perfect relationship with you. And that is not your fault. There is probably a long list of reasons why, and maybe you know exactly what those reasons are.
You don’t need to see them with rose colored glasses.
You should try to see your parents objectively. See if you can view and evaluate their behaviors just as you would any other adult. When we come from less than healthy parent child dynamics we have a tendency to make excuses and stretch our empathy a bit further than we would for other adults. And the truth is your parents are just other adults. Although it is really difficult to do this, it might bring some clarity to the situation. Some people can easily say their dynamics are unhealthy, but for most people its a feeling before it’s an identified problem with an actual name.
You might be the one who needs to make really difficult decisions.
Often times clients will say “this shouldn’t be my job” or “its not fair that I have to be making these choices.” And they are right, it isn’t fair that you are in this spot and it really sucks. Unfortunately time will usually show that unless you make a change, nobody else will. Sometimes those changes are received well and other times it doesn’t go as well as planned. But most of the time the unhealthy dynamic you have starts to cause a lot of stress, anxiety, and guilt.
You are in charge of what you allow in your life.
This one is hard, I know. It’s like when adults used to say things like “just take the high road.” Your jaw drops and you think WTF why should I take the high road when clearly nobody else is. Yeah, they were right. As an adult you get to choose what behaviors and relationships you will allow. You get to set really hard boundaries and tell people what you are willing to put up with. And that is usually a very thought out high anxiety discussion. Not a yelling fit where you tell someone to F off. Setting healthy boundaries is really really hard, especially when there have not been healthy boundaries in the past. **wink wink** read number 3 again
You are not alone.
I wish this was talked about more, but often it’s not because we are embarrassed. It’s like in our DNA to protect our family, and also we are a part of our family so admitting it would also mean admitting we have some unhealthy dynamics personally. But unhealthy family dynamics are super common. I talk to people all day every day managing unhealthy dynamics and doing the really difficult work to create changes. If you are lucky enough to not deal with enmeshment, codependency, or other dysfunctional family traits you won the lottery. For everyone else you are not alone, and know that others get how truly difficult this is, and it can get better. If you are looking for therapy to help decide when to cut off toxic family, or have already decided to cut parents out of life, you are in the right spot. Gaining tools and techniques to set boundaries is a great place to start. Get started with a therapist who can help with setting boundaries and understanding healthy family dynamics.
